Archived - Election Blog

(I'm busting out all caps for this bad boy...)
WASSUP ROCKERS!
So I'm in a pretty good mood. I was looking at all the latest polls for the last few weeks, and they looked pretty good. I was cautiously optimistic that we Defeatocrats would take a slim majority of the House, and maybe 3 or 4 Senate seats. But then I remembered two things:
- Karl Rove is some sort of evil genius who could get both members of Milli Vanilli elected if he wanted to (yes, even the dead one.)
And
- I am a terrible jinx.
So to show you why, going into Election Day, I was convinced that I'd be spending 5 hours watching Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer repeat things like, "Paul Begala, why do you think this Democratic wave never materialized?", I present to you Timmy's Wretched Voting History. Most thirty year old Democrats already know where I'm going with this.
(PROLOGUE)
1992 (Rhode Island): I'm sixteen years old. For the first time in my life, the President-elect is not old enough to be my grandfather. He listens to (and "plays"!) rock music - shitty rock music, but still. And he has a poet speak at his inauguration. A poet! A BLACK poet! A FEMALE black poet!Ambrosia for a pretentious, poetry writing high school junior like myself. America is on the right course, and soon we will all be smoking cloves and reading Kerouac.
1994 (California): My first election! I am proud that I will soon help elect the first female governor of our most populous state. Nothing can go wrong. Voting rules! I am awesome!
And then, something strange happens as I'm watching the returns. Back East (Note! future blog on the enduring use of "Back East" and "Out West", unless I keep seeing annoying commercial I want to write about), the Dems are falling. Quickly. By the time the California polls close, "Republican tidal wave" is the mantra of the evening. Kathleen Brown loses to incumbent California governor Pete Wilson by approx. 115%. Prop 187, making it legal for white people to kill and eat Mexican babies, passes in a landslide. I cover myself with a blanket.
1996 (California): Clinton kicks much ass. No notable statewide races. The high point of my voting career for the next ten years.
1998 (California): I must have been high this year. I remember nothing, except that Lucinda Williams and Massive Attack released excellent albums this year.
2000 (California): Well, we all know about this one. My buddy Aaron met me after work informing me that they had just called Florida for Gore. A few of us went to my apartment to get drunk and celebrate. After all hell breaks loose, T.J. tries calling CNN to demand an explanation, and somehow gets into a fight with an operator at 1-800-CALL-ATT, and keeps calling back trying to get him on the phone again. They eventually write off the 15 dollars in charges.
"Maybe Bush won't be so bad," I remember saying. "He's a compassionate conservative, right?"

2002 (California): On the bright side, my pick for Governor wins this time - Gray Davis. He would be recalled less than two 2 years into his term.
2004 (Rhode Island): The time is nigh! America is with us again! We are ready to stand up to this phony and tell him that real Americans want health care for their kids, that we want a living wage, that we don't want to be harrassed by Jesus freaks! We don't want to be lied to anymore about a war where our sons and daughters are dying! So we have nominated .. oh shit, John Kerry? Really? Everyone's second choice? OK, I guess. So we have nominated John, um, Kerry, and he will lead us to.... oh, please don't tell me that's a picture of him windsurfing. Fuck it, I'm going to bed.
2006 (Rhode Island): "Hey Lauri, we're up 3 to 1," I joke just after the first polls close, and CNN calls the first 4 House races. I'm way too nervous about this.
And then, fast forward five hours, it looks pretty good. I turn on Fox News, hoping to see one their main douchebags (ie Hannity or Bill-O)acting like this is no big deal ("The six year itch", according to Double Down Bill Bennett), but am disappointed to find someone named Shepherd Smith, who I'm fairly certain is some sort of space alien.
"Well, we're still in Vermont, that could go either way, " he says.
"Montana," his guest corrects him.
"Whatever," he says, having clearly given up.
Fox News: Fair and Balanced!
So, tonight, the fin de siecle. We all knew Virginia was in the bag, but we were all afraid to say it. I hate those nutty election conspiracy theories, but there was something in the back of my mind thinking, "What if they find some way to win the one district with no registered voters*?"
But as the news came in, I switched between the cable news channels anf basked in relief. I was off the schneid. The headlines:
CNN: "DEMS TAKE SENATE"
MSNBC: "BREAKING NEWS: DEMS TO TAKE SENATE"
Fox News: "NOT SO FAST"
Fair and balanced!
*James City County, one of four precincts that was unreported on Tuesday night. Seriously. This precinct consists of a river and no people. So why did they take so long to report?