Rules By Which You Must Abide, in Regards to The Enjoyment of Recorded Music

Wassup rockers!
Just a couple of quick music rules that you need to follow, courtesy of yr Uncle Timmy. In this busy world, we don't have time to listen to as much music as we would like before making our purchasing decisions. Therefore, I have devised a series of rules that keep you from buying terrible music, without even hearing it! This will ensure the greatest possible satisfaction when enjoying music in the comfort of yr abode.
1. Don't buy anything made by a band where more than 50% of the members have goatees. Especially if the lead singer has a goatee. These bands tend to have unresolved anger issues to complement their shitty songwriting, ham-fisted playing, and poor fashion sense. They also tend to misspell the name of their band (on purpose, it seems.)
2. Don't buy any hip-hop records where every review mentions the same song about the rapper's mama, saying that song "shows that he has sensitive soul that belies the other sixteen tracks about murdering hoes and beating up bitches". We're onto you, rappers. You all put that one "Mama" song on so that clueless magazine reviewers will feel guilty for hating yr record, but don't want to seem out of touch, so they have to give you a good review. Usually a B.
3. Don't buy anything made by the child of a legendary musician. Sean Lennon almost made himself the exception to this rule, but then he waited 8 yrs to record a follow up to his good-not-great debut. Sorry, friend, after eight years we need something more than mediocrity. Anyway, musicians apparently aren't like baseball players - there seems to be no genetic link between fathers and sons. "But Timmy," you ask, "what about Jakob Dylan?" Exactly.
(And Loudon Wainwright III isn't "legendary", so Rufus doesn't count.)
4. Don't buy anything recorded by a band whose name is (a.) a compound noun, or (b.) two random nouns, or (c.) any word with a number after it. Think about every band that sucks, and you will realize ninety per cent of them violate this rule. Addendum : Never listen to anything recorded by a band with words "Clown Posse" in their name. But you knew that.
5. Don't buy anything by a band who is promising that this record is "a return to our roots, more like our first album." It isn't.
Let me know any other rules you guys have, rockers, I'll post the most interesting ones later.
Holla!